Sunset Magic on a Monday-less Sunday

As we watched this phenomenal sunset, I said to my husband on this final Sunday evening of the year, “Doesn’t the sky look more beautiful when you realize you don’t have to go to work for a whole week?”12/28/08 sunset

I caught myself as soon as I said that and tried to take it back. I said something about working out a new year’s resolution that meant that Sunday evenings do not have to be panic laced affairs full of sorrow for another used up weekend and dread for the five day slog to the next reprieve. (The kaleidoscope above us had me feeling rather poetical, so I may have actually used that many words to say “we have to quit giving into the ‘Mondays suck’ mentality.”)

The struggle with my job has been a near constant companion for the last couple of years. It was inevitable, really, that a chronic overachiever who decided against getting her PhD should begin to chafe in the confines of a traditional work week, even if it is in a gorgeous college library. Lately, the madness has cooled and I have been able to extricate my ego from my professional life so that I can appreciate the salary and the perks (including this luxurious time off and that sack of books and DVDs that walked out the door with me for the near-two week break). I worry a bit less about whether I am fulfilling my life’s purpose as junior management in a windowless office.

Still, it seems that the drama lingers on and shows its ugly little face in trite “everybody hates work” kinds of comments. I don’t hate working – I do not necessarily enjoy frittering away my time and talents on less than inspirational tasks (who does?), but for now I think the peace I have made with my job is authentic. My life is so full in every other aspect, and I learn so much every day choose to walk through the office door with an aim to practice all that my soul has learned.

dsc01574At the same time, I have a quiet sort of confidence that things will shift when they need to. Life will make way for my healing work and my writing. Things will fall into place so I don’t lose my mind and all my creative expression when motherhood becomes my main focus. In a way that still allows us to pay the mortgage and eat organic food, the job I hold now will be able to fall away and make way for these bits of self that are now relegated to the edges of my day. I just know it.

Thing is, how much “quiet confidence” is enough? When does it become time to leap? How many sunsets need to paint FREEDOM, BEAUTY, RELEASE across the sky before I realize I need to get out of a position that offers me no portal to the outside world?

It’s that age old dance between “follow your dreams” and “you need a day job, kid.”

Like I said, it is less urgent for me at the moment, but it is just this sense of relaxation that allows me to pose the question: when am I allowed to embrace the life that I really want?

Let me rephrase that: when will I allow myself to embrace the life I really want?

The beginning of the answer: as soon as I allow myself to let the Universe know I really want it.

The time for leaping into a new book of days is here.

What do you want?

Have you begun choreographing the dance that will get you there?

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7 thoughts on “Sunset Magic on a Monday-less Sunday

  1. Barbara December 28, 2008 / 11:19 pm

    Are you mourning your decision not to pursue a Ph.D? IF that is the case, keep in mind that the effort to earn a Ph.D. is often not reflected in the working conditions that follow. I earned a Ph.D. and taught in an undergraduate institution. I burned out over the years. Yes, I loved the teaching, the students, even my colleagues most of the time, but the unabating workload took its toll. Those engaged in research positions have other pressures on them.
    Be at peace with your decision and the flexibility it gives you. If you hunger for more learning, then look into the possibilities near you. Peace and many glorious sunsets, epiphanygirl!

  2. Quiet December 29, 2008 / 3:06 am

    Beautiful sunset!

    Yes, what would a Ph.D. ultimately give you?

    I completed my MA when I was 48. I did it for myself – to prove that I still had intellectual capacity despite illness and for a mix of other reasons. I enjoyed the study so much!

    Now, at the end of my professional life, I am actually using my somewhat specialist degree. You just don’t know what life will bring.

    Would the Ph.D. prevent you from exploring other learning options? Have fun weighing it all up!

    • girlwhocriedepiphany December 29, 2008 / 7:22 am

      Dear Barbara and Quiet, I don’t think I really am mourning the PhD any longer. It was all I wanted from about the age of ten until a couple years after I completed my MA, but I have been gradually allowing it to recede from the “to do” list, and I am ok with that. Of course, it still creeps into my discourse and proves that it has not disappeared completely, but I think that is because getting a doctorate sounds so solid in comparison to working on my own fiction and writing and pursuing something as nebulous as energy healing work. What I need is the courage to create my own paradigm and free myself from the academic structures that I thought were the key to all meaning. Watching the faculty from my perspective as an administrator has definitely de-romanticized the scholarly path. I need to remember that as I plunge into these perfect stretches of time all unmarred by professional pressures.
      Thanks to you both for your kindness and support,
      Marisa

  3. Graciel December 29, 2008 / 2:43 pm

    I am in complete synchronicity with your post. I am evolving through the same concerns and whines and surrendering to what is. (Minus the deisre for a Phd.) And yes, you have the answer and you confirm my inner suspicions…as soon as I let the Universe know what it is I really want…so shall it be. It is up to me. Live in the now. Be at peace with how things are. And make the darn decision to move forward! Baby steps with gusto!

  4. Danny Lucas December 29, 2008 / 7:09 pm

    It is now the final Monday of 2008 and a glorious sunset caught my eye tonight. I think the sun is shifting back our way, for the rays and colors said “Notice Me!”.

    I did.

    I snapped 3 or 4 pictures just for me. No one else will see them, but they will never be just a memory. Those colors are on record.

    I was nosing around the web and links and blipped in here to see what I could see.

    Perhaps your saying so long to the final Sunday of the year 2008 can be tempered with the knowledge of the next time a Sunday comes around. It will be January 4th, 2009. That first Sunday is celebrated around the world.

    Your new Sunday……is the Epiphany of The Lord.
    I suspect you two are related in many ways.

    Enjoy your days off from work.
    Then, enjoy your days on to work.
    Today is the dream you had many years ago. Tomorrow’s dreams will arrive soon enough and be celebrated then.

    Hug your husband.
    Many have no one to hug, and no one wants to hug them.

    Give yourself the gift of a smile in the mirror, then, share it with him….or the first person you see each day that you do not know.
    Or BOTH!

    I notice you have eyesight to enjoy sunsets. I am thankful for that. Many people miss quiet beauty even though they possess vision.

    I will stop back and peruse the gift of your writings anew.
    But for now, I hope you are preparing a celebration for next Sunday…..the Feast of the Epiphany. God bliss you.

    • girlwhocriedepiphany December 30, 2008 / 9:11 pm

      Dear Graciel, “Baby steps with gusto!” – I love it! That really is what it is all about, I think. Being cautious, yet savoring adventure. Being careful with our beautiful, fragile selves yet remembering that we are much more rugged than we usually recognize. I with you strength and constructive whining and sweetest surrender!

      Dear Danny, Welcome. Thank you for this lovely reminder to savor all of the ways that I am blessed – I truly do give thanks for these eyes that see and the arms that embrace and the love that keeps coming back to me in this world. And thank you for reminding me of what next Sunday is. I stumbled into this name without a great deal of appreciation for the religious weight of the term, but this process is bringing me to warm to all sorts of Epiphanies, especially those in the Christian world. Thanks and blessings and I do hope you return soon. – Marisa

  5. Anwarkazi January 23, 2009 / 5:38 am

    I completed my MA when I was 48. I did it for myself – to prove that I still had intellectual capacity despite illness and for a mix of other reasons. I enjoyed the study so much!

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